I’m up! Its 2:05 a.m. on a Thursday morning, but I am up. I feel productive so I might as well write. So many thoughts race through my mind. It is my father’s second month of recovery and by far the longest he has lasted. Although, he has only been active in my life the past six years I’ve come too familiar with his struggle, which left a longer impression then any one of his short-term appearances. I do not want to be the reason he breaks again, so I try not to stress him.
Christopher Gardner: I met my father for the first time when I was 28 years old. I made up my mind that when I had children, my children were going to know who their father was.
As my sister lay asleep, I wonder what she is dreaming about. Last night I had a weird dream of my own, I was marrying the man I was engaged to, but yet when I met him at the altar I didn’t recognize him at all. Nothing about him was familiar, but yet I still felt like it was him. I woke up disturbed. Why can’t I let this go? I always wanted better for my family as a whole. The more I try to fix what’s broken in us the more it seems to come undone. Is this part of accepting the things you cannot change? To give up all hope and submit to this reality?
Christopher Gardner: It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?
My past weighs heavy on me; I carry it around like a bag lady. Why can’t I let this go? Do I not have the wisdom to know the difference? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I am sure it’s more problems. I try hard not to be pessimistic and I am usually not. “Some days I go to sleep on top of the world other days I wake up with the world on top of me,” yeah I just quoted Beyoncé “He Still Loves Me.” That is my go to song when I am feeling the most vulnerable. I need to remind myself that I am loved and what I am doing this for. It is the little moments of sobriety, that instance of clarity, and little piece of happiness where my family is whole again.